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Mandala with a flower / Mandala z kwiatem, acrylics on board, 2014

When she honours
everything that she is
every cell, breath, drop of blood,
her face as it is
without  masks,
as she honours her tears and anger,
her longing and pain,
as she owns herself
and hold all of herself
like a new born deeply loved baby,
then the Life brings her back as a Goddess
and a powerful revolution starts.

Dear Sisters,

Today I am writing to you inspired by my recent longing for deep connectedness with you all. Two weeks ago I went for a circle of women and felt inspired to share with you the reflections that came to me after that.

I know the feeling of being low, depressed or lonely. I was there and from time to time I am taken again into those helpless shadows. For years I looked for help in various methods. Today I feel the process of healing includes us all and goes on on its own. There is a growing trust in me in the ability of Life to direct and heal itself. I less and less see ‘this pain’ as mine, and more and more I see it just as an experience that simply happens and is possible to felt by this body-mind. In other words the story surrounding ‘this pain’ seems to be loosing its grasp. It contradicts from time to time again to fight its right to exist through me. The more I am able not to react, the more open I feel towards Life.

I don’t follow any more the idea of a positive thinking or affirming things that this little ‘I’ wanted to have in an illusion that more things could make it happy. The process of healing – which part was to refuse the negativities and turn to what I desired for myself – has come to a fresh and gentle need to open to Life as it is and to connect with others. Particularly to open to my own femininity and to connect with other women.

I am now less attached to the ideas that my mind used to cling to: ideas about  what and how should happen, why it is not happening and a despair that comes with those questions. Instead I started connecting with the feelings underlying those ideas. I started to feel more. Thinking became less important. There is still this part in me alive that is ‘not good enough’ and wants to achieve something. And there is the growing trust in Life dealing with all of it through me.

With the growing trust a deep need to be real appears. The masks fall down one after another. The old habits of playing a role of ‘a good girl’, ‘the wise one’ and ‘the strong  one’ are crushing into pieces. And what appears underneath? Simply being and allowing myself to be. There is a space to hold everything including old habits, low depressed feelings, helplessness. That acceptance brings strength, hope and courage. That acceptance has brought up the longing to connect with the feminine energy.

The longing so powerful that it takes away the habit of playing roles. It brings me right back to the worth of myself as this body-mind and as this presence living Life. There is a curiosity and a willingness to be real. Sometimes there is a fear – as the shells of the roles that this body-mind still plays out – are falling off.

And there is a need to stand up as equal as any other being. There is a need to feel deep in myself that I am equal to every other women and man, and that they are equal to me. I feel that equality as a living experience brings respect and connects us on a much deeper level that we were before. The old world with its judgements, hierarchies and segregation is becoming very shaky.

Women who more and more respect all of the parts of their body-mind are going to bring a new way of relating. There is a gentleness coming along with a furiousness. I know that women are able to hold both of them at the same time. There is a furiousness in naming and bringing into light all that was hidden, not spoken of, pretended not to be existing or not being important. There is a furiousness in a willingness not to pretend any more but to be real moment after moment. A willingness to own her feelings and truths. There is a furiousness  in claiming back her own power. In destroying the divisions of bad and good, better and worse, right and wrong.

There is a courage to come together not in a linear way with the leader sitting in the front of everybody else, who are going to quietly listen, nod and in best case ask polite and comfortable questions. There is a courage to come together in a circle and respect and listen to every single expression of Life living through every single body – mind. And in this invitation to be together in a circle where there is no leader but a connection of beings, respected for who they are at this moment – there is a revolution that comes through the breath, the eye gaze and hands holding. There is being real, coming as you are, feeling and seeing, and honouring each body-mind and each presence, each unique expression of the same Mystery – Life – The Mother.

With a longing to connect deeply,
Agnieszka

 

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