Firstly the guilt or fear – what will happen if? If I will escape… and then negotiations… oh maybe tomorrow, next week, after the pay day… after I will clean or prove that I am… reliable, worthy and a fully trained society member? Or am I a… fool. Not to give myself what I need. Not to trust myself when I am getting sick, getting exhausted, loosing the connection with my soul. Do you know it? Oh how many women have the same? Did we change the world or did we allow ourselves to again believe in somebody’s else view of who we should be?
And who are you, well-civilized, well-trained, always-reliable, never-disappointing anyone creature? Anyone but yourself…
Today I escaped again. Tremendous feeling of guilt, almost loosing another inner battle, but something in me kept screaming and begging for a moment of freedom from being-who-they-want-me-to-be or rather playing-how-they-want-me-to-play… I took the phone and rang and said those words, those very special words which can stir and bring up so much anxiety in every woman soul: ‘I am not available today’.
And then the fear… What would be the punishment? Will I get sacked? Loose this relationship? Loose somebody’s trust?
But what is the lost of it all above in comparison with loosing myself?
There’s the answer, the quiet yet certain voice, which tells me what was wrong and was right. This is when my creativity starts flowing again. Good you’ve escaped. That might cost you… money, job, relationships. But not escaping might cost you life. Or in the worst case… death of your soul, and then you’ll be living like a zombie, without yourself, a good girl.
How much are you ready to give up to remain a good girl? Is it worth it?
There is an inner patriarch, a controlling helicopter, a nazi officer, a rapist which not recognized during the day, will catch you in your dreams. And again you wake up sweating and paralysed, asking yourself – why am I not happy?
There’s the inner patriarch, which puts you in a cage of the expectations and wants you dead, or in a best case wants you to live always like a good girl, which is a deadly thing for a woman.
How and when will we escape?