, ,

Kobieta‘In a trap’, watercolour,  2014
“W potrzasku”, akwarela, 2014

Have you heard about the method of spiritual development called ‘Fuck it’?

In life there is a need for balance. And my soul gives me lessons about it by kicking my ass each time I try to reach too high. Birds singing, rainbows appearing, stars sparkling? Soon either I need to move my ass and look for another job and get sweaty and desperate cleaning in the guest house again (beautiful way to check how much you have evolved in your spirituality! go and clean somebody’s shit and by the way better speed up because you have  another 10 rooms to visit today before the finish time!) or the debts will be knocking to my doors. You have to make up the living. And for better or worse the time has come to grow up. Which not necessarily means what you would like it to mean.

I did a lot to improve my life and change it for better and I spent quite a bit of money on it. Partly because analysis of my internal world has always been appealing to me and partly because I had enough if living ‘a bad life’. Was it really bad? Yes and no, but inside it felt bad. Is it any better now? Did it pay back what I have invested?

And there we come to the point – what is the method called ‘fuck it’? It is so well known to so many of my fellow humans – the spiritual beings which I share the amazing and fascinating and so often frustrating and full of anger experience called life. It means when it is bad – you let it stay this way. You don’t try to improve it. You indulge yourself in all the negative feelings you have. You don’t do anything with them neither with yourself. Depression? You’re welcome. Anger? There you go. Don’t feel like doing anything? Not a problem. Just let it be!

The methods of spiritual or self development are many and their variety is fascinating. There’s just a little trick there on the road which I wonder if you also have experienced. The hidden or very often said straight away message: fight, improve, don’t let the bad thoughts overcome you, don’t allow life to break you, be better! Do you tell yourself you cannot be any better? Do you feel like shit? No, no, no, you need to be stronger! Gosh, how exhausting all this could be when we try to reach the goals we have set for ourselves.

And my soul kicks my ass again and again. You are just you – imperfect – it is trying to say. At the moment there is whatever is. Lack of self acceptance. Lack of self love. Self-hatred. Hatred of the world and everything around. Helplessness. Yes this is all part of the spectrum of human emotions. Why do you want to fight against them so much? Sometimes it is easier to let things be.

It is so difficult to trust that things will change for better when we are having a hard time. We are educated that we are and must be in control of our lives and emotions. Well, we have some power to change our lives but this power is limited. As one of my speakers from the book said – the opportunity to change our lives for better is grace.

Grace doesn’t depend on your actions or who you are. You might receive it. You might not.  Or sometimes you might not notice that you have received a lot of grace!

Grace… The strength to raise up from your knees and try again. The strength to survive the storm. Or the strength to embrace the weakness and letting the storm be. Sometimes the darkness seams never to go away. You might fight against it by whatever means and nothing helps… Visualising light… praying… doing favourite things… therapy…  yoga… diet… going into nature…  put here whatever you want. There are days and sometimes months and sometimes years when doesn’t matter how hard you try it seems that nothing helps…

Sometimes the grace might mean that you fall down again and this time instead of pushing yourself to get up you say ‘Fuck it! I’m not trying any more! I will just let things be the way they want to be! I will never change my life! Fine! I am a looser! OK! I agree!’.

Sometimes we don’t have any more control… Or maybe we never have had. And my soul again and again is showing me that my life is not in my hands. What I call ‘my life’ is just the idea my mind has produced. So… breathe in. Breathe out. ‘Fuck it all!’ Breathe in. Breathe out. I am still here! Tired and in a gloomy state of mind, my body lost its appetite and my heart lost all the desires it used to have. ‘Fuck it!’ Breathe in. Breathe out. I’m still here! I am alive! I feel like dead… OK. Breathe in. Breathe out. I don’t know who I am any more. OK. Breathe in, breathe out. I cannot try and I cannot stop to try.

Life is unfolding, destroying and creating through me. My soul kicks my ass again like if to say – just be. Just be. When there’s rain, there’s rain. When there’s sunshine, there’s sunshine. Better days, worse days. Just be. Just be here and allow it all to happen. Poet Rumi says:

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

So maybe my job in a guest house has some sense… Maybe cleaning the toilets (sometimes it is really disgusting, believe me) has sense. Maybe all of it has sense. Sometimes it is just so difficult to see and accept when  I cannot see. But even harder is the eternal effort of trying to make myself someone I am not. To improve my life. To fix it. Oh just fuck it… Let it be. Let it be, let it destroy itself, create itself and unfold itself. Let yourself move to the background, my dear ego, and let life go.